old boyfriends

There was a time when I waited.  A time when you were my knight in shining armor.  Manufacturing a rescue in my day-dream fantasies, I wanted to portray, to you, me the victim.  The damsel in distress of my own making.  I wanted to be rescued from myself.  I wanted you as my Savior.


Twenty years ago....that time when I waited.  Now, I am too old to be a damsel, and my only distress comes from a dragon called Debt.  The role of victim examined, I have less fear and more compassion.  I have done just fine without you in my life.

Now, you ask if I will be your friend, and I start to fall down a rabbit hole of emotion.  Opening up my heart full throttle, splay open all that I am for you, to be the Savior of your Sorrow.........then I say, "Wait a fucking minute!"  





  

Sun dog - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Sun dog - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

While driving to work this morning, I saw a sundog to my right of the sun. I looked at the clouds to the left certain a sundog could possibly be on the left. It was. How fortunate indeed!

laugh
until the medicine runs out

LHC Could Create Time-Traveling Particle: Vandy Physicists - Nashville Public Radio

LHC Could Create Time-Traveling Particle: Vandy Physicists - Nashville Public Radio

update from the land of the dead...

Yesterday morning, I thought I smelled a dead mouse in my house (again).

Thought I heard one the other night, but have not seen evidence.

Yesterday, I didn't paint my office as planned, 

but worked on a client.

Then I went to a moonshine tasting....awesome.

That put me in this super mellow mood.

I didn't smell anything dead in my house.

Thought i was safe.

this morning, i really could smell the critter.

I found it at 8:23am.  I decided to do the disposal myself.

This is huge....

i had to attend to my own awful fears.

I put my gloves on....then I cleaned my bathroom.

I split kilning.  I moved my wood stack to consolidate.

I moved lawn furniture, dead-headed pansies & cleaned my grill.

Cleaned two smoking  pipes, folded sheets, washed three loads.

Burned through one glove, applied a new right hand glove....

went next door and asked my neighbor to do the disposal for me.

she told me to go find another sucker.

came back in, and slid a broken spatula

under the mouse and put it in the trash 

no screaming

no dancing

no outward display of utter terror.

I even spent time looking at it all curled up and decomposing.

of course....since it was behind the water heater,

i spent five times looking in that direction, 

but not looking exactly at the dead creature.

that is when i went to find someone else to do it for me.

I heard in my head, "Jamie, you are the one caught in the trap!"

Must have been Matayo....he talked to me like that.

three times more, I took a quick look at the dead mouse, then looked away.

It took me three hours to pick up that mouse,

but i did it with honor.  

I lit incense, offered it up.

Hope i don't have to do this again.

2012 - The Revolution Has Begun

Shake Up

Today, an earthquake hit off the coast of Japan.  As I write this, a tsunami is hitting Hawaii; it is reported to be six feet high.   We never know when life will take a turn.  We never know when the next disaster strikes.  Trees crash, tanks roll, people rise-up.  Ocean water obliterates coastline, a rearranging of sand structures, island borders.

What are we worried about?  What issues are present when life changes rapid and out-of- one's-control? When the safety and survival of raw living with no shelter, no food, no water and no bathroom saturate the culture.

Recreation, a process where creation decomposes, breaks-down, corrodes.  Dismantled, whether by the natural aging process or the unnatural Act of God.  If we lose our jobs, lose our loved ones, lose our sense of self, lose our way home, each of us are called to adapt or die.

Adaptation means softening to the influences of change.  Fluidity, humor, awareness of the present moment, helps solve the dilemmas of where am I going to sleep tonight, how am I going to feed my children, when lost:  what is the best direction,  who am I now and how do I prove it?

Many of the global sacred writings share the wisdom of how every decision comes down to two answers Love or Fear.  We attend to our daily lives either through love or fear.  Bottom line!  One may argue that my assertion is not true.  So I guess this is my belief, my religious belief.

It seems to me our doing comes down to attitude.....attitude of Love or attitude of Fear...for the Love of Creation or the Fear of Death.  Even when we are called upon to adapt, to change our lifestyle, to open our hearts.

Sometimes recreation hurts, produces pain, induces suffering as the structures and relationships crash.  Somehow, the transformation cauldron bubbles and perks and stews.  Ready to spurt out bubbling mud just as the Earth does, producing recreated ground.