Friday, March 12, 2010


Spring's arrival won't be for eight days, and the weather is finally warming up. The last two and a half months brought the south-east cold snow & ice, day after day. I continue to accent on the ascent, but this is what I have done my whole life. I can not think of a time when I didn't anticipate growth. This is what spring fever brings us, anticipation of growth. However, I am reminded that if I am anticipating, then I am not in the present moment.

I continue to run, though a daily practice has its challenges. Christmas Eve Day I tried to run, but I didn't make it to the highway. I had a stomach virus which lasted a couple of days and plenty of fatigue left my reserves depleted. There ended my long stretch of daily running.

On Boxing Day, my personal life shifted to include a significant other; I started dating. I found that personal choices and prioritizing what I do with my time became a focus. I questioned if I should go for a run and leave my new lover in bed asleep, only to wake up later with me gone. What kind of signal would that cast, what kind of assumption could be guessed at an empty bed when he opened his eyes. "My God!" I thought, "is this the start of codependency?"

I stayed with running over the last two-and-a-half months, even when the cold air knifed my lungs and brought asthma to my challenges. I remember when it happened, I started out in a fifteen degree temperature and by the time I hit the highway, my lungs felt as though they had been hit with an ice pick. That is when the heavy panting started. I needed to be judicious with my running. If I had a chance to come back home in the afternoon to run instead of early in the morning when the temps were colder, I did.

As I dealt with the cold, I also had to address my allergy to animal dander. Cats bring on my asthma, my new boyfriend has a great, very loving, demands to be petted cat. I could no longer host my denial, and I went to the doctor. He gave me steroids and a fresh prescription for an emergency inhaler.

Through the years, I have noted how inner-life reflects outer my challenges with breathing continued, I noticed how I sucked air while I ran mirrored my car's oxygen intake. The check engine light came on the dashboard of my Pontiac Vibe, and the mechanic reported that the computer code read bad oxygen sensor. This improper working part affected the oxygen mixture. Wow, did that diagnosis sound familiar, who knew? A month after fixing the part, the check engine light came back on. Same diagnosis, it is a bad oxygen sensor. The mechanics never replace the part, but switched off the light. Two months later, the check engine light comes on and flips off at whim. Just like my asthma symptoms, wheezing at whim.

The long dark winter with the frigid cold brought lots of ice...and did I mention the snow? Yes, the coldest, snowiest winter in the last decade. I ran in the snow, while it was snowing, and I hopped over the snow drifted onto frozen ice. There were days this winter when I really wanted to go run for a two mile loop and could not get across the parking lot without slipping on my behind three times. I found myself, once again, being judicious with my decisions on when to run: If there is a chance of falling due to icy conditions, do not run!

Today, it is raining. I haven't run in six days. I came down with a head cold heavy-laden with symptoms. I did watch bad daytime television, ate lots of food and used up three boxes of tissues. I had two sessions with clients scheduled today, but one canceled due to having a 'bad head cold'. At least this afternoon, I will finally venture out and go back to work.

The time changes in a couple of days, but I have been practicing the change in my mind for the last week. When I wake up, I remind myself that in one week, it will be one hour earlier. I keep reminding myself all week so the one hour spring forward won't be such a jolt on my system. And now, in this moment, as I re-read my last three sentences, I am reminded of the word "anticipation" anticipating the time change is a future thought...Now, I sink into the present moment.